Life is crazy. No?
You think everything will work out the way you want or on the opposite end of that, you believe nothing will work out.
Sometimes it’s a blend of both and you vacillate between both those points of view consciously and unconsciously.
Actually, I think most of our thinking is unconscious until we get a wake-up call of some kind. But it doesn’t have to be that way.
In my case,
- I believed those closest to me would always be around,
- I assumed my parents would be there to love, to love me and to lean on until their passing at a ripe old age
That’s not what happened.
My father killed my mother by shooting her and in an instance my world fell apart.
- The family I had was gone.
- The sense of security I thought came from having a close family was gone.
Here’s a passage from my book, My Father Killed My Mother and Married My Aunt: Forgiving the Unforgivable.
It’s part memoir and part workbook, including the tools I used to finally find forgiveness several years ago.
This chapter deals with Step 1 of the Forgiveness to Freedom Process I developed.
Chapter One: Moving From Denial to Acceptance
I went into shock after my mother was killed. Shock is an interesting thing because you can appear from the outside to be functioning through it. I put my ‘mask’ of I’m okay on and went about my days.
But I wasn’t okay.
Any moment that I could steal away to myself was spent sobbing, pleading with God to turn the calendar back. I lived in a fantasy world, in the past. At night in my dreams my mother lived again. I could see her walking down a city block just a few feet ahead of me, her back to me. I couldn’t speak but as I quickened my pace and caught up she’d turn a corner and be gone.
In one dream, she stood on the other side of a fancy apartment and as I was just about to see her face, the middle of the floor caved in and she disappeared. I clung desperately to the walls of the apartment so as not to lose my own life.
What a metaphor! My world collapsed, my center was gone and there was a hole in my heart.
This may seem crazy, but today I’m grateful for those frightening dreams. They were part of the reason I could get through the enormity of the pain I was feeling and stay ‘functioning’ during the day. The intensity of my sheer shock and suffering worked itself into and out of my system at night.
I stayed in this stage for three long years. No one knew how to guide me out of my suffering. My intention in writing this book is for you to know that you’re not alone and that there is joy on the other side of this pain you’re feeling. I invite you to follow the steps I’ve laid out for you here.
Healing is a process and I encourage you to take just one small step at a time, knowing that you are heading in the right direction, toward the light.
Tomorrow in my post I will give you a tool to help ease the pain you may be feeling right now.
Blessings to you,
Brenda
If you found this blog touched you, you’ll love Brenda’s flagship ebook/workbook, Forgive and Be Free: A Pathway to Personal Freedom, where she reveals 3 (very specific) Steps to Freedom, where you’ll get the right tools, in the right order to shave years off your suffering.
Honored as a Hero of Forgiveness by the Hawaii International Forgiveness Project, Brenda Adelman is also an award-winning actor, presenting her solo-show, My Brooklyn Hamlet, internationally, for audiences as diverse as women prisoners, US military, domestic violence trainers and survivors and for high school and college students. She facilitate workshops and teleclasses on forgiveness and setting healthy boundaries for spiritual communities across the United States.
