I invite you to join me on this journey. My intention is to be honest, authentic and unafraid. I am committed to journeying through my life this year by posing what I’m thinking in these posts. I’ve included day 1 -11 here. To follow them daily as I post them and to add comments please visit my facebook page which has been quite active. Go here now: http://facebook.com/forgivenessandfreedom or http://facebook.com/brendaadelman
Day 1 of the new year…forgive yourself. If there is anyplace inside where you are holding regret for something you did or didn’t do in the past it’s time to let it go. By letting it go you move into the present, where you can make better choices. It’s hard to see all the choices you actually have today when you are holding onto the ‘baggage’ of the past by beating yourself up or feeling like a victim to others.
Day 2 of this year’s free to be me tips: I forgive myself for all those times that I have unconsciously sabotaged my goals through old patterns that no longer serve me. I ask to see when an old pattern is running me so I can make better choices this year.
Day 3: Today I pray for right thinking and clarity because I realize that the thoughts I’ve been thinking are creating my ‘ups’ and ‘downs’. Okay, I’d like to shift the ‘downs’, although I know the key to freedom is in the non-attachment to what I am doing. I can’t be doing something with the expectation that it will make things better. It’s so subtle, having the intention, yet not the attachment.
Day 4 Daily Wonder: Do you believe in God? If so, is it a mental construct or have you experienced God? When? How? Is it a voice that whispers to you, a feeling, a vision? If you don’t believe in God, where do you find meaning in your life? Have you made something else your God? Your relationship? Your children? Money? Success? I’m not judging, I’ve certainly made all those things my God at times and witnessed others doing the same. I didn’t know God personally until about 15 years ago. I remember my first experience so vividly. I was flying home to New York after finding out that my mother was shot dead by a single bullet. My father was involved, but I didn’t have the facts yet. I was looking out the window of the plane into what seemed like infinity. I felt a presence and at once I knew I wasn’t alone and that my mother was cared for and okay where ever she was. It was the only way I could go on. Mixed in with my grief, suffering, pain, feelings of betrayal, confusion, heartache, loss, shock and love was God. In the moment it was enough. Do you believe in God?
Day 5 Daily Wonder: Pondering life and death today. Within a month a family member dies and another is born. What is the right emotion? I wonder if when I die I will have touched as many lives as my partner’s grandma did. Will I be remembered (like she is) for how loving I was? I truly don’t know-but it makes me want to be a better person, less self-centered and more loving-centered.
Day 6 Daily Ponder: There’s a fine line between being Self-Centered and self-centered. I must love myself, accept myself, take actions for myself in order to survive and thrive in this world. as well as, make a contribution. If I don’t love myself I find myself judging myself and others in order to protect myself from the self-judgment, doubt and shame that I knew so well years ago. But what is beyond that? How can I regularly think and feel beyond myself, my fears, my limits and the limits I imagine this world has placed upon me based on my gender, race, sexual preference, class, education, how I was brought up and by whom? Today I ask to dwell in Spirit and ask consistently, What would love do?
Day 7 Daily Wonder: What will my day look like if I expect miracles? I started today with that thought and I’ve already received one. What’s your definition of a miracle?
Day 8 Daily Ponder: Today I ponder why I played small for so long. What was it in me growing up that made me feel like I had to move over to make room for others. It was as if I thought there was only enough room for one person to be in the limelight. For me, my mother was my world. She was larger than life, extravagant, beautiful, creative, loud and sexy. She thrived on attention from others and I didn’t want to ‘steal’ that from her. She didn’t ‘make me’ play small. I chose to because I adored her. It took a shift in my consciousness after she died to become aware of where this pattern came from, forgiving myself for it, forgiving the judgments I had of my mother and taking responsibility for my own actions. After she died I found compassion for her needs/ neediness. Even recently, this old pattern reared it’s ugly head…and I had the opportunity to face it head on/ heart on. And the release was stunning. Ask yourself today…where are you still playing small and not fully expressing yourself? Why do you continue?
Day 9 Daily Wonder: I’m thinking about memories today and how we hold the past in our consciousness. I realize that it is the feelings that we experienced that we hold onto. If the
feeling was deep-it stays with us. I think about my time living in Hawaii several years ago and I immediately feel gratitude for the experiences I had, the generosity of those I met (Roger, Wally, Elizabeth, Robin, Merritt and the list goes on) and who invited us (Daniel), the friendships I formed and the incredible time of creativity and getting my work into the world. I think of the time right after my mom died and there is still sadness but the fear I experienced back then has retreated because my life is now filled with love, loving partnership, loving family, loving choices. I think where we are in our life today informs how we hold the past. If I wasn’t in a loving relationship, maybe I would still feel fear and loneliness. I was engaged to a wonderful man back when my mother died, but I still felt so alone in my suffering. I’m grateful to be able to share this today.
Day 10 Daily Ponder: Because I dream of something I want-does that mean it should be mine? Should I feel entitled to have it? Haven’t I paid my dues? If it’s been a dream for what seems like forever…is it really coming from Truth or is it just a kind of hypnosis I’ve put myself into and now believe because I’ve been dreaming the same dream over and over again for so long? Should what I want now be the same as what I wanted twenty years ago? Or do I limit myself with what I think I want based on conditioning and hope. Maybe the dream is pointing to the Truth and that’s why I have it and it stays. Sometimes I think having a dream is detrimental because I’m dreaming for what I don’t have – so then aren’t I coming from a place of lack? More money. More love. More success. More creativity. More connection. More beautiful boots! More, more, more. It makes me feel contracted. I want to free myself and my will and surrender to what God wants for me. I want to truly hear and feel and know and move forward from that perspective. I want to accept what is happening right now completely without excuses and justification and trying to control. I’m tired of vacillating between feeling acceptance of everything and denial of what is by thinking about what could be. My prayer today is for more inner peace.
Daily Ponder (Day 11):Today I experienced stress and acted out. People act out differently. For me, it meant being reactionary and blaming someone else and frankly, not being kind. One of the foundations of the teaching of the school I got my master’s in Spiritual Psychology at is that we are never upset because of someone else. I believe this at my core. I know this and yet my emotions and limiting beliefs had a hold on me for hours. But it felt bad to have my heart closed. I felt dis-empowered by not taking responsibility for my emotions and being a victim. I am grateful that all the things I’ve learned and that I teach others, write about, speak about kicked in and I was able to take some time alone, workout, and bring myself back into balance and into the loving. From that place I could take responsibility and act more kindly-which is my natural state. Grateful for the shift. Grateful for the experience today because it pointed to those places inside me that still hurt and I sometimes find unforgivable
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