As a transformational life coach with the specialty of forgiving the unforgivable, I’ve seen many of the missteps people can make along their healing path. My own life lessons took me down winding roads fraught with blind curves, sheer cliffs and dead ends. I had essentially become lost (and lost myself) and journeyed in the wrong direction in a state of unawareness. From experience, I have learned that if a person makes these missteps, she will add time to her suffering and may never find a way out. Let’s take a look at them and see if we can map our way around them.
Misstep #1: You’ve already done the work on that issue so there’s no need to do any more.
I remember thinking I had healed my anger toward my father because I no longer saw him and he didn’t call me. “Out of sight, out of mind.”, or so I thought. When he phoned several months later I couldn’t stop crying for days. I immediately starting questioning “What’s wrong with me…hadn’t I already healed this?”
Instead of berating yourself and judging your unsettling reaction to the reemergence of what you thought had been healed, you can see your emotions as a nudge for you to do some more work at a deeper level. Healing is like peeling the layers of an onion and it takes time.
Misstep #2: Anger keeps you strong.
Are there grudges that you’ve held on to for years? I’ve worked with many people who are extremely angry at a parent and yet see them all the time out of a misguided sense of obligation to what they think they should be doing as a “good child”. There are others who refuse to talk to a parent because of the abuse they suffered growing up and they secretly (and not so secretly sometimes) are glad that their parent is suffering because of it. Is this you?
The truth is that anger may help you set a boundary with someone that you haven’t had the strength to hold one with. If you have never learned how to set a healthy boundary, you must release that anger if you want to be healthy and happy. How can there be room for happiness when you are suppressing seething anger underneath the surface? Learn to set your own healthy boundaries so that you feel safe to let go of your anger.
Misstep #3: Thinking your disappointments are shameful.
I remember my 35th birthday very well. During Christmas I went on a cruise and fell madly for an Italian officer who worked on the ship. We emailed fervently and he invited me to take a one-week all expenses paid cruise with him during my birthday week-which just happened to also be Valentine’s Day week. I packed my bags ready to have a romantic one of a kind experience. Two days before the trip my officer friend emailed me to say it was off. Even through his broken English, I understood that what he was calling a “work commitment” was actually another one of many women that had dead-ended my hopes. I got depressed and I shut myself away in my apartment for the week-telling no one.
The truth is that his lack of commitment was just that-it had nothing to do with me. If I had understood this, I would have unpacked my bags and celebrated-happy to know that he wasn’t a faithful type of man before our relationship got too heated. I would have called my friends and enjoyed each others’ company. It’s much more empowering to understand a disappointment can really be something that may steer you in the right direction, rather than owning it as something “shameful” about you.
Misstep #4: Looking for your self-worth outside of yourself.
Recently a friend had a brief romantic encounter with someone she worked with. They kissed and had a flirty evening together that hadn’t been anticipated. When seeing him at work the following week, he was distant and she resented him. She started to obsess about what she had done wrong.
I coached her to look at what was beneath the surface. Why was a kiss triggering so much mental obsession? She realized that she was looking to this man for approval. When she received none, she took his disapproval to heart and believed she wasn’t sexy enough, pretty enough and good enough. Seeing where she had taken that wrong turn, helped her forgive her judgments of herself and of men so she could realize her innate self-worth.
Misstep #5: Thinking the suffering will never end.
In 1995, my father shot and killed my mother. That’s what led me to the healing work I do. But at that time, and for several years after, I was depressed and could see no light along my path. I fantasized about dying and joining my mother in the after life.
The truth is that everything is a cycle. We can look to nature to confirm that. The sun comes up and the sun sets. The seasons come and go. The sooner that you realize that “this too shall pass”, the sooner you will be able to release your suffering and surrender to the truth: Change is the only constant. I’ve lived through the suffering and arrived at the other side where there is joy and happiness and loving. I have found my own way to freedom and happiness walking along my path of forgiveness.
© Copyright 2009 Brenda Adelman
Want to reprint this article in your ezine or website? You may, as long as it remains intact and you include this complete blurb with it: Brenda Adelman, MA in Spiritual Psychology, referred to as The Queen of Forgiveness, teaches people who have a lot to offer but are stuck, how to become present, enjoy more success and peace in their relationships and lives by letting go of old and new resentments using the art of forgiveness. For FR*EE tips on how to finally be happy and free visit https://forgivenessandfreedom.com.
