In 1998 my life wasn’t working. I had lost my mother in 1995. My father took her life and I couldn’t get over it. I continually grieved, I was depressed, I was filled with shame and felt damaged by my family story. I had a knack for surrounding myself with friends who agreed with my state of blame and how unfair life was. After all, I had lost my family.
My friends had their own reasons for their unhappiness. They were bitter because they didn’t get the jobs they wanted or were single and couldn’t understand why there weren’t more good men or why the right man wasn’t there for them. I wasn’t even looking for a relationship. Why should I? Look what happened in my family. Men weren’t to be trusted. Heck, the world wasn’t to be trusted.
Truth was, I was living in the past and wishing I could turn back time. But I couldn’t. I was mad as hell at my father and at myself for ever trusting him and then I was projecting my mistrust onto every other relationship I got into. Men and women. I had as good a reason as any for blaming other people for my problems. Look at what my father took away from me! And my friends went into agreement.
Look at your own life and the reasons you have for blaming someone. I’m sure they are valid. So were mine. Oftentimes, when I lead workshops now, people share their anger at a spouse who cheated or a parent that left or their anger at themselves for trusting a business partner that ripped them off. All good reasons for blame…and yet this anger actually bonds these workshop participants to the past and to the person who hurt them.
My depression and lack of desire to live grew from this place of blame, feeling no power and a growing sense of apathy. I also felt entitled to a different outcome.
As my pain grew I started writing poetry as a release for my harmful thoughts about what I wanted to do to my father and how I wanted to harm myself. Writing wasn’t something I thought about consciously doing to release my pain-I just gave myself permission to do it during my sleepless nights to get through the night. It felt like there was no alternative. I couldn’t go on without sleep and with this ache in the pit of my stomach.
As an actress I was guided to put one of the poems up on its feet in an acting class in Los Angeles and when I did something released in me. My secret shame was given a voice and given away and as it was witnessed I started to heal.
The key here was that I wasn’t sharing my stories to get comfort or agreement from anyone. I wasn’t sharing to unload my pain on someone else.
I was sharing as an exercise in being authentic and truthful about where I was in my life. I didn’t want to be a victim anymore. I didn’t want to hide. I just wanted to be witnessed.
After my acting exercise in class, much to my surprise, other people shared with me about their own sense of aloneness, loss and how deeply pained they were. And in sharing themselves with me -came relief and a sense of belonging- for them and me.
I developed my poetry into a story telling exercise and when I did I had to inhabit the characters in the poem-my mother and father. And as I lived as my father, I connected to his dreams, desires, and frailties. He was no longer one note, a person with nothing but evil in him, as I had held him for several years.
At the same time I started looking at what I was responsible for. I surely couldn’t be responsible for my father taking my mother’s life. And I realized consciously that I also couldn’t be responsible for saving my mother. We all have our own paths and life plans.
What I was responsible for was how I had been holding on to my pain as an excuse for not living, not trusting, not having joy and not being in a loving relationship. My pain and refusal to take responsibility bonded me to other people who also lived from this place of blaming the world for their problems. It was a dark, dark and unhappy place.
But how could I change this belief that I was damaged and my father was responsible for my unhappiness? I had made this story of my life true for so long.
Here’s what I did: I learned to separate the story from the facts. Yes, my father shot and killed my mother. But here it was three years later and my anger/ resentment/ and unforgiveness of this act kept me replaying my mother’s death and the pain surrounding it over and over again. It kept me alone, in self-pity, and nowhere near my life’s purpose.
The story I told myself was that I was alone now and no one would want me. The story I told myself is that I didn’t deserve happiness because I let my mother die. The story I told myself is that I couldn’t trust anyone because I trusted my father and he killed my mother.
Stories can be changed and I realized it was time to change mine if I ever wanted to experience freedom and joy again. I realized that my beloved mother would want me to experience happiness again.
I took responsibility for the unhealthy choices I had been making that were keeping me alone and in fear. I forgave myself at the same time. I took responsibility for allowing people to treat me poorly and as I started to connect with the innate beauty and wisdom I had within myself I attracted friends into my life that were more successful and loving. Like definitely attracts like.
Look around to see a reflection of your values and your beliefs about life. Are ‘your people’ positive and open or are their hearts closed and do they live from a place of blame? This is not about judging the people you have in your life or judging yourself. It’s about truly and accurately seeing your life and your relationships so that you can get back on track.
I started to take responsibility for my feelings by not making them wrong and also not blaming someone else for them. I gave them a healthy outlet-it my case journaling out my feelings.
What does this mean for you?
Take a look at your life and take full responsibility for everything; not in a New-Age guilt kind of way. Take responsibility and love yourself through it.
If you’re in an unhealthy relationship-look at your choices, own them and make a change.
If you’re suffering with an illness-look at your thought-patterns. It’s time to be a fierce warrior for your mental and physical health. Are you replaying negative thoughts because of the pain you’re in? If you are, I invite you to take a look at Louise Hay’s book, You Can Heal Your Life, for guidance on how to focus on more positive thoughts.
If you are treating yourself poorly by having an addiction—be kind to yourself, get honest and get the support you need. Excuses will not bring happiness.
It’s 14 years since my mom died and because I have taken 100% responsibility for my life I am living a joyful, on-purpose existence. That’s not to say that I am not challenged from time to time-everyone is. But I deal with my challenges as consciously as I can. I bring my dark thoughts and fears into the light so I can deal with them. I continue to study with master teachers and meditate to bring equanimity to my days. I’ve written a book about my life and the steps I took to heal, My Father Killed My Mother and Married My Aunt: Forgiving the Unforgivable, I creatively express myself by performing my one-woman show, My Brooklyn Hamlet internationally. I’m a transformational life coach, constantly inspired by my clients and honored to be of service to them. I speak for various communities and I have been in the most loving relationship of my life for the last nine years. I travel. I have time to volunteer for causes close to my heart (like raising money and awareness about domestic violence) and I lead workshops on forgiveness and setting healthy boundaries.
I’m excited to find out what will open for you when you take responsibility for your emotions and circumstances. Please share on my Facebook Fanpage at http://www.facebook.com/ForgivenessandFreedom
Brenda Adelman, referred to as The Queen of Forgiveness, is the recipient of a Hero of Forgiveness award from The Hawaii International Forgiveness Project and is a transformational life coach. She holds a master’s degree in Spiritual Psychology from The University of Santa Monica and speaks on Forgiveness and Setting Healthy Boundaries. She recently spoke at a women’s prison and for two high school classes. She can be reached at https://forgivenessandfreedom.com
