Good relationships are about loving, respecting and honoring each other.

A big part of loving someone is accepting them as they are. Do you respect and honor the ways in which your partner is different from you? Do you love who you are when you’re together? Do you feel honored and cherished by your loved one? Is there something that they can do that would dissolve your bond forever? Cheating can have this affect.

Being cheated on can also lead to low-self esteem, mistrust of self and living as a victim to what happened.

You must transform your anger, sense of betrayal and mistrust of your partner into compassionate loving for yourself so that you can move forward with the decisions in your life from a place of clarity and not emotional mayhem. But first know:

1. You have a right to be angry. Don’t suppress your feelings. After all, if you have signed up for a monogamous relationship and your partner has broken that part of the agreement you have a right feel betrayed.

Here are some unhealthy ways to release these emotions.

a. Overeating,
b. Addictions of any kind: Shopping. Drinking.
c. Over-working.
d. Picking fights with your partner or others.
e. Obsessively thinking about the betrayal and revenge.
f. Beating yourself up.

Here are some healthy ways to release these emotions:

a. Journal about your feelings.
b. Self-care: Take a bath. Get a massage. Exercise.
c. Contemplation of Truth
d. Grieving the loss of innocence
e. Seeing a Counselor/ Coach
f. Giving Yourself Time to make decisions


2. You hurt yourself if you stay stewing in your anger so try to gain some perspective.  You can do this by leaving your usual environment. Go stay with a good friend if you can or at least carve out some time in your day to do something good for yourself like going to the gym or walking in a park.

Remember that you have choices. Allow yourself to grieve how you thought things would be and identify what you are most angry at. Is it your partner’s betrayal? Trace that feeling back to the earliest time you felt a feeling similar to what you are feeling now. Was it a situation with a former relationship or a parent? You want to bring that first time you experienced that feeling into awareness so you can heal the core issue behind it. Journal about it.

It’s amazing how you can release toxic energy from your system just by getting it out of your head and onto the page. And then throw your writing away.

3. Gratitude helps lighten you up and helps you to see your relationship more clearly. Try to find something to be grateful for. It doesn’t have to be anything relating to your partner or it could be. For example: Tap into the love your dog has for you. Note how your kids show their love to you. Was your partner responsible for helping bring your wonderful kids into your world?  Was the sunset beautiful tonight? When you have a little more distance from your pain ask the following questions to yourself:

a. Was this a wake-up call that the partnership hasn’t been a focus and a priority?
b. Have you grown apart?
c. Have you allowed yourself to be dishonored continually by this person and you have accepted it in the past or have been in denial about it?

This is your life and you are the designer of it. In order to be empowered you must accept what happened and then decide if you are willing to stay together or if you need to walk away. You are the only one who can make this decision for you. If you decide to stay you must be willing to forgive your partner, otherwise you are creating a life-sentence for the two of you filled with hostility, resentment and status quo. You both deserve more.

Either way, you can bring more compassion to the situation by loving yourself through it. Forgive yourself for judgments like, “I should have seen this coming” or “I will never be able to trust people ever again.” 

As you fill yourself up with self-love and nurture yourself on a consistent basis by the choices you make, your life will look better and you will start to experience joy again.

© Copyright 2009 Brenda Adelman

Want to reprint this article in your ezine or website? You may, as long as it remains intact and you include this complete blurb with it: Brenda Adelman, MA in Spiritual Psychology, referred to as The Queen of Forgiveness, teaches people who have a lot to offer but are stuck, how to become present, enjoy more success and peace in their relationships and lives by letting go of old and new resentments using the art of forgiveness. For FREE tips on how to finally be happy and free visit