I lost both my parents before I turned 40.
My mom died when I was 30.
Because of how she died, for all intents and purposes, (and you can see more about that here:
http://openingtoloveweekend.com) I lost my dad that year too.
Each holiday season comes around and there’s a mixture of emotions for me: Love, Loss, Regret,Forgiveness, Gratitude
Those first few years after my mom died were spent surviving through them with my remaining family members and friends.
I experienced a pity-party or two, choosing to spend the holidays alone during a couple of other years, when I didn’t feel up to reaching out. The problem was that then I felt even more alone.
I always felt like an outsider when I visited my boyfriend or partner’s families.
I thought–they were loved by their family, but did anyone really care whether or not I existed.
I’m not proud of this as I write it, but it’s honest and I’m proud of that.
Actually, I feel a little shame coming up.
Being that I teach others how to forgive, even themselves, it seems I’ll be having to do those exercises myself after I finish this post.
It’s actually good to know that even though I’ve done years of work on myself there’s a spot of shame that’s been hidden until now. Now that it’s in the light I can address it and heal it.
I think it was just to0 raw to admit.
So, do I matter?
This year my partner is away with her family. I was supposed to go on the visit but opted out to get some extra work done.
It’s the first time in a very long time that I’ve had the time to truly be with my thoughts and my sense of aloneness during the holidays.
And frankly, it’s giving me a good opportunity to release some judgments, some baggage, some feelings of why I think things should be different. One of the foundational principles of my forgiveness work is about moving into 100 % acceptance of what is and taking 100% responsibility for my life. Wow-I thought I did it all this work already-thoroughly. I guess there’s more because I am clearly not feeling at peace and that’s the end-result of my work.
Here’s some judgments that I’m first bringing to awareness and then forgiving. (You may want to try this yourself)
I forgive myself for judging myself as not perfect.
I forgive myself for feeling sorry for myself because my parents are dead and I feel like no one cares for me in that special way like they did.
I forgive myself for judging the feelings I’m having as wrong.
I know the key to experiencing joy is by releasing these judgments that I’ve been holding and also releasing yet another layer of shame.
The foundation of my teaching is about loving yourself and so today I’m going to set aside some time (maybe during my walk) where I’ll continue to surface and forgive judgments. Maybe I’ll have an ‘inner dialogue’ with each one of my parents and with my ‘inner child’ thereby releasing some of the heaviness that has clearly been living with me, underneath all the good that is present in my daily life.
Just by acknowledging these judgments I already feel a shift into embracing more loving for myself and for my partner for giving me this opportunity to be with myself in the space of authentic loving.
Guidance for opening your heart to love