I recently received an email with lots of important questions from one of my Forgiveness and Freedom ezine subscribers:
Hello Brenda,
I hope this day finds you happy and healthy.
I have important questions about forgiveness. What is it? How do you know when you need to forgive someone? How do you know when you have forgiven someone? Is there strong emotion attached? If so, how does it feel? Where does it come from? Where do you feel it? How do you do it?
It is amazing me that I’ve reached the age of 56 and feel the need to ask these questions. It seems to easy to just say “I forgive you” when wronged, and then move on. It just seems like I’ve given “lip service” to forgiveness and not really “gotten it”.
I think I need guidance with this. Can you help me? Please.
Many Blessings
Thanks
I’ve copied my response here because I know that several of his questions are really universal.
Please let me know if this was helpful.
Thanks for asking these very important questions.
First know that you are not alone with the thought that it should be easier or that you should have ‘gotten’ it already.
It’s not easy and you are probably right when you say you have just done “lip service.”
I’d say it differently though—I call it spiritual bypass when forgiveness is on a mental level and not experienced from the heart.
I’m sure your intention was to really forgive-so it’s important to be kind to yourself and know that you have done the best you can with what you’ve known.
The fact that you are reaching out to me means that you are actually understanding yourself more than most people do and know that there is more freedom and joy available if you truly let go.
Let me try to answer a few of your questions here:
I define forgiveness as letting go of resentments that I have carried against myself or someone else.
I believe you need to forgive someone when you are in upset around them or even thinking about them upsets you.
The tricky thing is when someone is not around and you don’t think about them and so you don’t think they are having an influence on you and yet-subconsciously they are. This is the kind of work I help life-coaching clients with-to look at how they might be sabotaging themselves in the present because of an unresolved issue/unforgiveness from the past. Some of the ways it shows up is through failed relationships, an inability to experience true intimacy, negative self-talk, a lack of confidence, weight gain,addiction, etc.
There can be very strong emotions attached or an apathy/ numbness around the issue.
Unforgiveness often shows up as anger against others or yourself. Sometimes people isolate themselves or experience conditions in life that make them feel disempowered and like a victim. There’s a right and wrong mentality.
The unforgiveness comes from unresolved hurt and pain that have not been healed. It can also show up as physical ailments.
Forgiveness happens in levels and it is a journey. It is possible to completely forgive.
If I have enough people signing up I will be leading a free teleclass later this month (March) to address how to experience forgiveness and why it’s so important for the person who is forgiving.
I’m asking everyone who is interested to express that on my forgiveness community page at http://facebook.com/ForgivenessandFreedom I need at least 10 participants to hold the teleclass. Feel free to also invite others who you think could benefit from Making Peace with the Past.
So, that’s definitely one way I can help you.
In addition to that there are many interviews I’ve done on my Media Room page at https://forgivenessandfreedom.com
The radio interview I did with Lynn Serafinn, A Return to Forgiveness, is intense and as I recall one of the more advanced interviews I’ve had on the subject.
I recommend you purchase my ebook, My Father Killed My Mother and Married My Aunt: Forgiving the Unforgivable at http://www.forgiveandbefreebook.com
It’s the best $15 you will ever spend.
It’s part memoir and part workbook.
I give my 3 Step Forgiveness Process there, there are many exercises and for a limited time it also comes with a powerful 60 minute MP3 on Setting Healthy Boundaries.
I believe Setting Boundaries goes hand in hand with forgiving.
I really appreciate your questions.
If I can be of further service to you let me know.
Hope to connect to you at http://facebook.com/ForgivenessandFreedom
In grace and gratitude,
Brenda
http://openingtoloveweekend.com
Will 2011 be your year for love?
