Hi everyone.
I want to share an article I just wrote with you. I realized just
recently that many people who find this forgiveness community and are
being introduced to how and why to forgive for the first time. I’ve
gone into detail about this below.
My mantra: “Forgiveness is Freedom“. You have been told to
forgive. You know you should forgive. You feel you need to forgive.
Have you ever been instructed as to how to do it?
I don’t remember learning how to forgive in grade school. There
were no practical steps or techniques that were introduced into my
world. If anything, it was the opposite.
I was bullied briefly in 9th grade. My friends told me to stand
strong against the senior who was bullying me. I wasn’t told to
forgive her or try to find compassion for her. Instead, because I
feared her aggressive nature, I shrunk my personality and gained
weight. I didn’t know how to look within for strength. I didn’t
know how to love myself. The adults around me weren’t modeling
this way of being. So I shrunk away while I gained weight and tried
my best to become invisible.
The first time my philandering father left my mother, I was eleven.
There was no example there of a forgiving heart. Not from my mother
or my father. Instead, like so many divorcing partners, they blamed
each other for their unhappiness and disappointments. Inexplicably,
this seemed to have stopped at some point, as one day, they decided
to get back together. The reasons were never clear, and I
will never really know as neither of them is alive now to
explain to me as an adult.
Forgiveness came to me later in life. I was forced to learn the
skill because life got too difficult to bear otherwise. My
parents’ “unforgiveness” manifested itself through their
inner and outer rage, which culminated when father fatally shot my
mother in 1995.
{!firstname_fix}, I didn’t forgive him at the time. I hated him.
He had deprived me of my mother and remained unrepentant. But my
life was spiraling out of control.
Through many years of painful and difficult inner-work, I would
learn how I could love him. I had to find a way to make peace with
my love for him (and myself), while deploring his unrepentant
behavior. It was necessary for my own healing, so that I could
continue to love the part of him that lived on as me.
My forgiveness-work was selfish at the start. It wasn’t because I
was a saint. Learning how to forgive and practice it, made it
possible for me to move out of my depression and apathy about life.
It opened the doors for me to start living again. It brought true
and lasting love into my heart.
This journey had an unexpected aspect to it. As I forgave my
father, I realized I had to forgive myself as well. Why? I had
hated myself internally for ever trusting or loving this man. My
distrust and hatred for him meant that I feared that I could not
trust myself to make wise decisions. How could I meet a loving
partner when the man I loved most in the world betrayed me? While I
didn’t fully understand the “why” or “how”, I felt the
need deep within me to come to a place of complete forgiveness, for
him as
well as for myself.
Forgiveness-work takes place on many levels. There are those people
who naturally know how to forgive. They forgive all the time,
because it mostly comes so easily to them. There are people who
want to forgive because they know they will ultimately become free
of the pain they constantly inflict on themselves through
“unforgiveness”. There are those that are not ready to forgive,
don’t want to forgive or who have just never been introduced to
the
concept; yet they have something inside them whispering and moving
them towards a new beginning.
If you are among those who may have never been introduced to the
concept of forgiving others or forgiving yourself, I am here to say
there is hope for you and those in your life whom may be living
with the harm of “unforgiveness”.
In 2001, I made a conscious decision to forgive my father. I also
took steps towards setting a healthy boundary with him by taking
him to court for the wrongful death of my mother. Now, you may
think that my suing my father in open court sounds spiteful, but
far from it. Forgiving does not mean allowing someone to hurt you.
It doesn’t mean that just consequences will not be served. When
you forgive yourself truly, you then understand that the decisions you
make start with loving yourself. You seek ways of living a life
authentic to your core beliefs. You support yourself by surrounding
yourself with healthy friends, mentors and systems. These are some
of the steps by which lasting benefits of forgiveness-work are
cemented in your life.
Here’s your coaching take-away:
I encourage you to take a look at who you feel you cannot forgive
and why. List one thing today that you can be grateful for about
what happened between you. If it is too close to you, or too soon
and you are not able to feel gratitude for any aspect of the
experience yet, that’s okay. Be kind to yourself. This may be a
deeply engrained thought- and behavior-pattern that you’ve
internalized that you will be changing in the future. Instead, think of something that you are
grateful for. Right now, in your life, what makes you feel
grateful? This small step will break the downward spiral of
negative thinking, and open your mind to the benefits of positive
perception.
Why Forgive?
Benefits to Enjoy
1. Forgiveness allows you to release old resentments and free
yourself from unhealthy ties to the past.
2. Forgiveness allows the creation of space in your mind and heart
to invite more loving relationships into your life now.
3. Forgiveness opens the doors to a kingdom of peace which can last
the rest of your life and feed you as you thrive in it.
Challenges to Overcome:
1. Old and limiting beliefs may be telling you to seek revenge.
2. You have people around you enable you to continue to function as
a victim. (They may mean well, but this is highly disempowering for
you, and very detrimental.)
3. Change can be frightening and difficult; you will need to be
brave and do the work.
Have a beautiful and forgiving day.
Spread forgiveness. It’s contagious!
Brenda
Start forgiving now. Brenda Adelman’s ebook, “My Father Killed
My Mother and Married My Aunt: Forgiving the Unforgivable” is your
personal forgiveness tool and step by step guide to experiencing
more freedom. For more info: http://www.forgiveandbefreebook.com
