My mantra: “Forgiveness is Freedom”. You have been told to forgive. You know you should forgive. You feel you need to forgive. But, have you ever been instructed as to how to do it?
I didn’t learn how to forgive in grade school. There were no practical steps or techniques that were introduced into my world. If anything, it was the opposite.
I was bullied in 9th grade. Adults I sought out for help, told me to stand strong against the senior who was bullying me. I wasn’t told to forgive her or try to find compassion for her or myself. Instead, I felt like my needs were invisible and I gained weight because I stuffed my fears with food.
I didn’t know how to look within for strength. I didn’t know how to love myself. The adults around me didn’t know how to instruct me in these ways either because I now know that they didn’t love themselves either! So I shrunk away while I gained weight and tried my best to become invisible.
When my philandering father left my mother the first time, I was eleven. There was no example there of a forgiving heart. Not from my mother or my father. Instead, like so many separating partners, they blamed each other for their unhappiness and disappointments. Inexplicably, one day, they decided to get back together. The reasons were never clear. As an adult I know realize it was because of a complicated mix of co-dependence, obsession and fear of not having enough money. Was there really love there? Maybe.
Forgiveness came to me later in life. I was forced to learn the skill because life got too difficult to bear otherwise. My parents’ “unforgiveness” of each other and themselves manifested itself through their inner and outer rage, which culminated when my father fatally shot my mother in 1995.
I didn’t forgive him at the time. I hated him. He had deprived me of my mother and remained unrepentant. My life was spiraling out of control.
Through many years of painful and difficult unconscious living, which led me to deep inner-work, I would learn how I could love him again. I had to find a way to make peace with my love for him (and myself), while deploring his unrepentant behavior. It was necessary for my own healing, so that I could continue to love the part of him that lived on as me.
My forgiveness-work was selfish at the start. It wasn’t because I was a saint. Learning how to forgive and practice it, made it possible for me to move out of my depression and apathy about life. It opened the doors for me to start living again. It brought true and lasting love into my heart.
This journey had an unexpected aspect to it. As I forgave my father, I realized I had to forgive myself as well. Why? I had hated myself internally for ever trusting or loving this man. My distrust and hatred for him meant that I feared that I could not trust myself to make wise decisions ever again. How could I meet a loving partner when the man I loved most in the world betrayed me? While I didn’t fully understand the “why” or “how”, I felt the need deep within me to come to a place of complete forgiveness, for him as well as for myself.
Forgiveness-work takes place on many levels. There are those people who naturally know how to forgive. There are people who want to forgive because they know they will ultimately become free of the pain they constantly inflict on themselves through “unforgiveness”. There are those that are not ready to forgive, don’t want to forgive or who have just never been introduced to the concept; yet they have something inside them whispering and moving them towards a new beginning.
If you are among those who may have never been introduced to the concept of forgiving others or forgiving yourself, I am here to say there is hope for you and those in your life whom may be living with the harm of “unforgiveness”.
In 2001, I made a conscious decision to forgive my father. I took steps towards setting a healthy boundary by taking him to court for the wrongful death of my mother. Now, you may think that my suing my father in open court sounds spiteful, but far from it. Forgiving does not mean allowing someone to hurt you. It doesn’t mean that just consequences will not be served. When you forgive yourself truly, you then understand that the decisions you make start with loving yourself. You seek ways of living a life authentic to your core beliefs. You support yourself by surrounding yourself with healthy friends, mentors and systems. These are some of the steps by which lasting benefits of forgiveness-work are cemented in your life.
Here’s your coaching take-away:
I encourage you to take a look at who you feel you cannot forgive and why. List one thing today that you can be grateful for about what happened between you.
For example: I now realize that because my father took my mother’s life so violently it forced me to go out on my own and find myself. If my mother had died in another way it may have bonded me to him and I would never be the extraordinary woman that I value myself to be now. I would not have found my path.
If you are not able to feel gratitude for an aspect of the experience yet, that’s okay. Be kind to yourself. This may be a deeply ingrained thought- and behavior-pattern you will be changing. Instead, think of something that you are grateful for. Right now, in your life, what makes you feel gratitude? This small step will break the downward spiral of negative thinking, and open your mind to the benefits of positive perception.
Why Forgive?
Benefits to Enjoy
1. Forgiveness allows you to release old resentments and free yourself from unhealthy ties to the past.
2. Forgiveness allows the creation of space in your mind and heart to invite more loving relationships into your life now.
3. Forgiveness opens the doors to a kingdom of peace which can last the rest of your life and feed you as you thrive in it.
Challenges to Overcome:
1. Old and limiting beliefs may be telling you to seek revenge.
2. You have people around you that enable you to continue to function as a victim. (They may mean well, but this is highly disempowering for you, and very detrimental.)
3. Change can be frightening and difficult; you will need to be brave and do the work.
Want a step-by-step process? “My Father Killed My Mother and Married My Aunt: Forgiving the Unforgivable” is your personal forgiveness tool and step by step guide to freedom. Get your copy at http://www.forgiveandbefreebook.com
