Earlier today I asked my readers on my Facebook Forgiveness and Freedom Fanpage http://www.facebook.com/ForgivenessandFreedom if they had challenges with forgiveness. I offered to respond with some guidance to help relieve their suffering.
First, I want to thank you, the people who reached out, for your courage and your commitment to your healing.
Following is the first question and my response:
Wendy: My fiancé was killed in a car accident several years ago. He was hit by a repeat offender, who ran a red light. She did not pay for her crime and never showed any remorse or understanding of what she did. I am holding so much anger towards her, that I daydream about ways she should get punished. How can I forgive my fiance’s murderer?
Brenda: Thank you for your courage and for reaching out for guidance. I understand well what it’s like to have someone you love taken from you suddenly and for the person responsible for their life to not be punished or show understanding of what they did or take responsibility for your loss. My father shot my mother in the head and killed her and served 2 years in prison on a plea bargain. My brother and I sued him for wrongful death and were awarded millions of dollars that we never collected because he skipped town and hid his money in foreign accounts.
I’m telling you my history because I learned first hand that forgiveness was for me-not for my dad and when I wasn’t able to forgive I also was not able to be in a loving relationship, I was depressed and I was overweight. Overeating being my addiction of choice.
I came up with a 3 Step Process of How to Forgive the Unforgivable based on my life and everything I had to do to finally forgive and I believe you are ready for Step 2.
Step 1 is acknowledging you feel hurt and betrayed. This is a necessary step because I, personally was in denial the first few years after my mom’s death because I didn’t want to believe my dad could do this crime and I wasn’t ready to lose him.
In some ways my ability to forgive was harder with my father being the person who took my mom’s life because I loved him so much and the betrayal was overwhelming. In some ways I can see how the ability to forgive could be harder for you because it’s a stranger that you have no love for who took your fiance’s life.
Step 2 is giving up your need to be right. This took me years to realize. How could anyone blame me for my anger—it was so wrong what my father did. Just like a repeat offender blowing through red lights is so wrong. But the thing I learned is that as long as I held onto how right I was and how wrong my father was I could not pull myself out of the past and the what if’s and how I longed for my father to take responsibility.
There’s two things I’ll recommend to you because this is a deep question you’ve asked and there is work you’ll need to do to transform the thoughts you’ve been having —really to let go of them and then be able to channel all that energy into something positive.
I recommend if you haven’t gotten it already to pick up The Power of Now by Eckert Tolle. His explanation of the pain body is amazing and easy to understand.
And I’ve written an ebook, My Father Killed My Mother and Married My Aunt: Forgiving the Unforgivable, which is a memoir and a forgiveness guide. It gives all three steps in the process. FYI: Step 3 is sending love and light to the person who harmed you. My book is very personal and filled with exercises, tips, tools and stories to explain how to use them.
Check that out here: http://www.forgiveandbefreebook.com
If you believe there is a higher power, which I do, then another way to move from these fantasies about punishment to positive energy is to put your anger in Spirit’s hands and ask for loving to be restored to those places inside that hurt so much.
Blessings and Loving,