Mother’s Day has been a challenge for me ever since my mom died in 1995. The first few years were just awful, especially when I became single again in 1998. Unknowingly, I would start shopping a few days before just so I could fill the void. Being the thrifty shopper I am, I never broke the bank but it’s interesting that unconsciously I would make sure I was moving, doing, going and spending so I didn’t have to stop and feel my loss.
Oh, I just remembered…I actually spent the second Mother’s Day after my mom’s death at her graveside taking part in the unveiling (a Jewish ceremony after someone dies). No wonder I still have sadness linked to this day!!
I had intended to perform my one-woman show today—but I had to reschedule my performance for June 7th. What a blessing—so I could deal with this melancholy, instead of act through it.
So last night I dramatically told my partner who is in another state this week that I feel alone and would probably have a sad day today. She reminded me that she told me to make plans with a friend today so I wouldn’t be alone and I never followed through. I acknowledged my responsibility for being alone on Mother’s Day and in reflecting on that choice I realized that I was wanting to hold on to my loneliness for some reason.
I got off the phone and experienced a shift. Why did Mother’s Day have to be the saddest day in my year? Was it habit at this point, because it has been this way since 1996? Why couldn’t it be a celebration of my mom’s life and our loving? Why couldn’t I take the day to be alone (well–my puppy’s always here so I’m never really alone anymore) as a sacred experience vs a lonely one? Why not invite my mom’s Spirit to spend the day with me so that every time I thought of her today it could be good and fun and loving, like so many of my memories of her?
My partner called to check in a few minutes ago expecting a somber, depressed voice to answer. Much to her elation I was happy. Happy and grounded in my love for my mom.
It’s a new year. It’s a new day and I choose to have a fabulous one!
In the loving and with an open heart I wish you a Happy Mother’s Day,
Brenda
